Mike’s comment about social drinking really got me thinking. I replied to his comment but I wanted to expand on it a bit.
First of all, I have to say right off the bat that I no longer really experience social pressure to drink. It’s been many years since I’ve gone out drinking specifically to go for drinks with friends. We generally go for a meal or a coffee, but not just for a drink. My social circle generally doesn’t drink or doesn’t drink much. One of the hazards of middle age (okay, most of us are “seniors” now) — most of us have gotten less enchanted with partying than we used to be.
So when I say I went out to a pub only 2 days after I quit, I mean we went to a pub for a meal. (It’s the kind of pub that also happens to serve good food.) I suggested we try something else (Thai food or something — anything — that didn’t go so well with wine!), but I wasn’t about to out myself, and my friend wanted comfort food … so I took a deep breath and plunged in. And you know what? It wasn’t so bad! Fortunately, my friend wasn’t drinking either, so we both had water and a meal and that was that. Easy. There was a table of guys drinking pitchers of draft next to us. Was I tempted by that? Not at all. A nice shiraz, on the other hand … but it wasn’t there, so, end of story. Also, it was our neighbourhood pub, where they really don’t blink if you don’t order alcohol.
But what if my friend had had a glass of wine or beer? What then? Would I have been able to resist, so soon after quitting? I honestly don’t know.
What I do know is that it continues to be a challenge to eat out with other people who are having some wine or beer with their meal. In fact, I actually considered having a sip of my husband’s wine the other night when we were out with friends. But I didn’t really mean it. It was more like I just toyed with the idea as I used to toy with the idea of quitting before I did, as a possibility but not a real option. What stopped me was the thought that one sip — even one sip — could put me over the edge, and if it was only going to be one sip anyway, was that really worth it? Decided no, not worth it. So not worth it.
Meanwhile, I think the most important thing is to have a plan and stick to it. When I’m going somewhere where I know there will be alcohol, I figure out before I go a) that I’m not going to drink and b) what I’m going to say if anyone offers me a drink and/or asks why I’m not drinking. Usually “no thanks” is all it takes, but if someone presses me either to imbibe or to explain, I’ve come up with a whole list of reasons I don’t drink, none of which involve coming out as an addict — “I’m driving”, medication interactions, allergies, not feeling like it right now, getting an ulcer, stomach’s a bit upset, coming down with a cold, yeast allergy, and occasionally, with a select few, the truth.
Driving my own bus 
Thank You!
Please keep blogging on your progress whether it is positive or not though hopefully so. Someone here in Canada is promoting getting liquor sold in motion picture theatres during the movie!
I will also take the suggestion to note those that are not drinking as well as those who are drinking which is my bias I realize.
Another point is there is so MUCH tolerance for social contacts with massive substance problems that few seem willing to mention.
I met one guy with 2 kids who, at a social gathering with children, drank beer, wine, coffee, hard booze and smoked some of our ultra strong local MJ.
This was a new acquaintance for me but mentioning that “X” had a massive cross addiction problem ruined the atmosphere on the way home so to speak.
You cannot even discuss the risks though, admittedly, this is none of my business. My point was that “Y” might not want to wind up like this.
So I am concerned with my own addiction situation but really feel more threatened by what seems to be a spreading social situation and we are talking mid 30s to early 40s – kids, cars, mortgages- UH OH 🙂 where did I see this before #looksinmirror
Thank you, Mike, I will keep blogging, especially now that I know somebody’s actually listening! Love the mirror comment! 🙂
Alcohol at movie theatres?! Good grief what next?
Substance abuse is for sure the elephant in the room. That’s why I’m anonymous, and that’s why I’ve only told 5 people (including my doctor & my counsellor) (but not including you guys). The age group you’re talking about is interesting — I was in my 30s when I first began to get the idea that I might just have a wee drinking problem, and it’s only intensified over the years. NOBODY wants to talk about it — what a downer, man, just be cool (right?) — and it sure does ruin the atmosphere when some uncool dude says something about the goings-on.
I wonder if “Y” might take it better when she/he hasn’t been drinking (timing is everything — try the morning after, maybe?). I don’t know what kind of language you’re using but I’ll share what I’ve found tremendously helpful: that old tried-n-true communication trick of “I” language — “I’m worried about my drinking”, “I’m getting to where I can’t stop and I’m sick to death of it”, “I’m really worried about you”, “I don’t like dealing with you when you smoke pot all day”, whatever is true for you. It takes a lot of courage, of taking your heart in your hands and saying, look babe, this just isn’t working. We have to do something differently or it will just get worse.
My experience of this is that I waited for YEARS for someone to say to me, I’ve noticed your drinking and it worries me because I care so much about you. I notice what you’re doing. I see your pain. I notice YOU. When my husband started saying things like that to me, and when he started talking openly about his own issues, that was the beginning of the path I’m on now, where I’m learning to say “I notice YOU” to my own true self.
Good luck, and please keep in touch!
Thanks again,
First thought you mention is about anyone listening. An information society is being constructed and we are still in the very early phases when it comes to providing “better explanations” in the sense that it is used in the refutation of theories.
This is new for “social media” which has been concerned with minute personal details being broadcast. The realization that the better information you are seeking might be available by this route and through other online resources is still pretty new to me. It is a library with human voices embedded right into its structure.
I discovered Marc Lewis’ book this way and you by one degree of separation.
There can be no question about the structure of degrees of separation as to its relevance for this kind of connecting. Sure, it could be done “outside” but that takes more time than we have in life.
It reminds me of the approach where a person wants to learn everything through their personal experiences and thoughts, hard knocks are educational if you survive but you cannot possibly live long enough.
I agree, Mike. The cascade of knowledge, from one degree of separation to the next, is an amazing advance in human communication. Technology really is the cutting edge of social-cultural evolution. I’ve heard this put forward as a theory. Now I’m experiencing it first-hand.
I think you’re right too. We have a huge opportunity to not only share information — there’s certainly more than enough information out there — but to give it meaning. I’ve been astonished by the quality of most of the writing I’ve seen in the blogosphere, how little of what I’ve seen is trivial confessional — leave that to facebook & twitter, though even those can be used in conscious, meaningful ways. I love what you say about it being a library with human voices embedded right into its structure. Huge encouragement for all of us to keep thinking deeply and keep writing about it, without the gatekeepers of traditional media or publishing house.
These strategies are excellent, and by example they can help all of us, even if we are just hovering in the real of addictions, even if we’re generally out of danger. Or think we are.
The danger of just one sip is huge!
After four months of being clean, in April of 1979 I think it was, I opened up someone’s medicine chest, just on a whim, almost as you say just to toy with the idea. And then I was face-to-face with a bottle of narcotic cough medicine that was down my throat before I knew it. That led to, let’s see, about 3 more years or addiction, suicidal depression, several arrests, one serious conviction, the loss of my position as a graduate student, and the love of a woman I really loved. Just that one moment cost me that much.
You and I both seem to acknowledge that there is an orchestra of different voices in our heads, and they shift in position and power from moment to moment. Just acknowledging that much, that we have “voices” — that they are not particularly truthful or objective, and certainly not always kind — seems like an important place to start. The infantile voice that says “oh come on, let’s just see what happens” can be particularly dangerous. So we have to sit back, watch, listen, and smile at those voices, as we would at a child. That helps make us safe, and the strategies you mention can help us sit back and watch.
Thanks for the affirmation about one sip being one too many. Wow, that is a huge price to pay for that one moment of distraction.
Yes, there are small, innocent children in there. They need our compassion and our protection, because there are also other voices in there, the voices we’ve internalized from all the nasty comments anyone has ever made to us (funny how we don’t remember the positive comments nearly so easily!). I’ve mentioned Cheri Huber, the Buddhist monk who writes and teaches about this stuff, in an earlier post. Her books are where I first got to know the voices, and her work focuses on bringing the voices to awareness. We all have a conversation going on in our heads most of the time, but most of us don’t even know it’s there. Once we actually stop and listen, we can identify the voice that’s saying, “let’s just see what happens”, and distinguish it from the voice that says, “you can have Just One Drink, you won’t fall off the wagon”, and then proceeds to beat you up for it (“you loser, don’t you have any willpower at all? what’s wrong with you? you know you can’t drink!”). Seriously, it’s enough to drive you nuts. Bringing compassionate awareness to it has allowed me to choose which voices I listen to and which ones can just take a hike, thank you.
I tend to listen to all the voices, but I don’t believe that any of them has any claim on objectivity or truth. They’re just voices, after all. Well, no, some are just more beneficial than others. That gentle-forgiving voice….that’s a good one to hang out with. And then there are occasional times, usually in meditation, that I experience a sort of warmth or smile behind all the babble. That seems pretty much voiceless.
I love that voiceless, wordless space. It’s the part you can’t bring back with you into your waking life, the ineffable part that escapes as soon as you try to put words to it. Mmmm, it feels yummy just thinking about it. Think I’ll go be quiet for a bit.