I’m picking up on one of the comment threads on my last post, where the suggestion is made that I’ve hit upon a “formula” to come back to life as I want it, that formula being staring down the monster while it’s in the room with you, and then moving on — seeing the “relapse” as an aberration, not an excuse to go nuts again.
The formula isn’t original with me. Every diet book in the world says the same thing: if you Continue reading
The title of this post says it all. Sure, I’ve had ups and downs, but overall I’m much much much better than I’ve been in years. Yes, it’s a challenge — sometimes a big challenge — and I still think about alcohol every day — it’s kind of become my project right now — but I’m not drinking and it feels good.
But.
An interesting thing has started happening. I’m finding myself substituting one addiction for another — TV, food, and work, mostly. I hear myself telling myself the same stories as I did about alcohol.
Watching TV seems to feed anxiety, which feeds craving … craving for something, but I don’t know what. I used to think it was wine, which it was and wasn’t. Wine was what I gave it, but really, it never satisfied the urge, and I wouldn’t have identified it as an urge to get pissy-faced. What it felt like — still feels like — is a hole, something missing, something ineffable that NOTHING will really satisfy.
What is it about TV that brings this on? Could it be that I’m feeling drawn in by the story, but the characters are over there and I’m over here and I can’t touch them, it’s just me being drawn in? Is that what it is? A one-way street, unrequited love?
And is there a time when don’t crave anything? Well, this may seem trite, but I think it’s about connection. When I meditate and get in touch with centre, I don’t get cravings. When I’m in company I’m totally comfortable with I don’t get cravings. When I feel totally supported in community I don’t get cravings … hmmm. So it’s more complicated than I thought. So I need to dig deeper and love more.
Driving my own bus 