Some new thoughts from last counselling session: I’ve been finding I’m not getting my head around hitting the pause button. I just don’t remember to do it when I’ve already had a few drinks. So my counsellor suggested “playing it through” instead: how does the movie end? (Hugh Grant at the beginning of Four Weddings and a Funeral comes to mind.) What’s the sequel? Play it through to tomorrow morning, go through all the steps on the way, from the “whoopsie, had too much” moment to the 4am, aw shit, can’t believe I did it again, and now I can’t sleep, all the way through to sleeping in past 9:00 and the prospect of yet another ruined day. How does that feel?
Delayed gratification and changing my thinking about “habit”: I know that sometimes only alcohol will do. Nothing else will, not tea, not distractions, nothing. And I need to know that and accept it: nothing else will ever be as good initially. My brain-paths have been structured over the years to accept alcohol like nothing else, to respond to alcohol like nothing else. The receptors are primed to grab the alcoholic high. So, nothing will ever be as good initially, but it will be better in the long run if I don’t take that drink, if I distract myself with a cuppa tea, with exercising, with playing some guitar. I know in my head that it will be better in the long run — even while I’m drinking some part of me is in there somewhere, knowing full well exactly what I’m doing, exactly what the consequences are, and knowing as well that almost anything I could do would be a million times better than drinking. And yet, the compulsion remains.
There are two things that feed this compulsion: habit and triggers. The triggers are these big emotional walls — I drink to ease and soothe frustration, anxiety, and fear. But I also drink out of habit. I love to have a glass of wine when I’m cooking, and I practically feel like I have to. This is partly habit and partly cultural construct. It may go back to … what was his name? The Galloping Gourmet or something like that. It just seems “cool” to have a glass of wine while cooking. This seems programmed into me. I also reach for a glass of wine when I’m winding down from the day. Again, there’s a kind of cultural construct there, something from movies and TV that tells me alcohol will be a nice thing to have while I’m watching TV in the evenings. Then I get into this vicious circle where I have to have a glass of something to relax, and then I have to have some food with it to absorb the alcohol somewhat, and then the food and alcohol are never in sync, so I get another drink, then I finish the food so I need more food, then my glass is empty so I need another drink, and on and on it goes till I get to that “whoopsie, think I’ve had too much” moment.
It’s this habit we’re focusing on, the habit of staying up after everybody else goes to bed and watching the things only I enjoy watching on the TV, and having a nice little drinky-poo while I’m doing it.
So, how do I re-wire the pathways, re-train the receptors, so they’ll accept some substitute for the alcohol? How do I think new thoughts, create new behaviours?
And then, how do I make them stick? I’m having to remind myself of thoughts I’ve had before, because I’ve forgotten thoughts that have been successful in the past. I’d completely forgotten my “potato chips” strategy (what’s the difference between potato chips and alcohol — addicted to both, so why can’t I make my strategy for chips also work for alcohol?) till I re-read the post about the night I came up with it. How dumb is that? It’s as if a big part of me wants me to be asleep all the time. Dammit, it’s getting crowded in here!