Q+1: Recovery, Day 2

So it’s tomorrow now, only mid-day, and though I’ve been obsessing about alcohol and the fact that I’m not drinking and how is that going to work in my life, I’m enjoying the clarity.

Thinking new thoughts about “habit”

Some new thoughts from last counselling session: I’ve been finding I’m not getting my head around hitting the pause button. I just don’t remember to do it when I’ve already had a few drinks. So my counsellor suggested “playing it through” instead: how does the movie end? (Hugh Grant at the beginning of Four Weddings and a Funeral comes to mind.) What’s the sequel? Play it through to tomorrow morning, go through all the steps on the way, from the “whoopsie, had too much” moment to the 4am, aw shit, can’t believe I did it again, and now I can’t sleep, all the way through to sleeping in past 9:00 and the prospect of yet another ruined day. How does that feel?

Delayed gratification and changing my thinking about “habit”: I know that sometimes only alcohol will do. Nothing else will, not tea, not distractions, nothing. And I need to know that and accept it: nothing else will ever be as good initially. My brain-paths have been structured over the years to accept alcohol like nothing else, to respond to alcohol like nothing else. The receptors are primed to grab the alcoholic high. So, nothing will ever be as good initially, but it will be better in the long run if I don’t take that drink, if I distract myself with a cuppa tea, with exercising, with playing some guitar. I know in my head that it will be better in the long run — even while I’m drinking some part of me is in there somewhere, knowing full well exactly what I’m doing, exactly what the consequences are, and knowing as well that almost anything I could do would be a million times better than drinking. And yet, the compulsion remains.

There are two things that feed this compulsion: habit and triggers. The triggers are these big emotional walls — I drink to ease and soothe frustration, anxiety, and fear. But I also drink out of habit. I love to have a glass of wine when I’m cooking, and I practically feel like I have to. This is partly habit and partly cultural construct. It may go back to … what was his name? The Galloping Gourmet or something like that. It just seems “cool” to have a glass of wine while cooking. This seems programmed into me. I also reach for a glass of wine when I’m winding down from the day. Again, there’s a kind of cultural construct there, something from movies and TV that tells me alcohol will be a nice thing to have while I’m watching TV in the evenings. Then I get into this vicious circle where I have to have a glass of something to relax, and then I have to have some food with it to absorb the alcohol somewhat, and then the food and alcohol are never in sync, so I get another drink, then I finish the food so I need more food, then my glass is empty so I need another drink, and on and on it goes till I get to that “whoopsie, think I’ve had too much” moment.

It’s this habit we’re focusing on, the habit of staying up after everybody else goes to bed and watching the things only I enjoy watching on the TV, and having a nice little drinky-poo while I’m doing it.

So, how do I re-wire the pathways, re-train the receptors, so they’ll accept some substitute for the alcohol? How do I think new thoughts, create new behaviours?

And then, how do I make them stick? I’m having to remind myself of thoughts I’ve had before, because I’ve forgotten thoughts that have been successful in the past. I’d completely forgotten my “potato chips” strategy (what’s the difference between potato chips and alcohol — addicted to both, so why can’t I make my strategy for chips also work for alcohol?) till I re-read the post about the night I came up with it. How dumb is that? It’s as if a big part of me wants me to be asleep all the time. Dammit, it’s getting crowded in here!

Whacky dream

Talk about not driving my own bus! I dreamed I was in a small car with a friend who doesn’t really drive anymore — her sister tells me she’s actually nearly blind and shouldn’t drive … and here she was driving me around in my own dream! There was also the usual kind of dream confusion, things like having trouble getting to my destination and finding my way around when I did get there — mazes and things like that. My husband was there, but he kept disappearing (he does that in waking life too) and then he’d pop up somewhere unexpectedly.

The interesting and cool thing is that the dream landscape was a new one for me. A metaphor for the new path I’m going down?

Minor Triumph

Yes, I had more to drink tonight than I intended. Yes, it’s 1:20 a.m. But look: I was channel surfing (well, Netflix surfing, actually, since we’ve suspended our satellite service) and decided there … was … nothing … I … wanted … to … watch. So I’m off to bed before I’m truly beside myself.
It doesn’t sound like much but right now it’s huge.
Huge.

Roadkill

Today is one of those days when I’m not only not on the bus at all, but it’s jumped up on the sidewalk and run me over. I’m in a complete panic about work — I’ve really really really messed up, though I think I can recover, I just need to work really really really hard for the next 10 days or so, and I need to really really really grovel. I know this is related to my drinking. My work has been slipping for months — years, really — and I keep telling myself and others that it’s got to do with all the travelling I’ve been doing, because that dislocates me (no pun intended). But in my heart of hearts, I know that while this is true, there is more to it. One of the reasons I feel so dislocated is because of the alcohol, because I’m perpetually groggy and foggy and putting off thinking hard about things, so I keep pushing the harder work to the back burner and now suddenly all the back-burner stuff has leaped to the front of the line and I’m overwhelmed and panicky and can’t think about any of it.

It all makes me want a drink. NOW. But I read something this morning about an AA truism that “many drinks are not enough and one drink is too many.” And ain’t it the truth.

Dinner party last night, band practice, and right back to my old habits — afterparty with drinks. Sigh. The upside is that I see what the trigger was & I understand why I couldn’t find the pause button last night. Had a busy day yesterday, and took no time to reflect. I gave someone a ride, and didn’t take the time to make a plan for when I got home and knew I would want a drink. In fact, I took the time to buy an extra bottle of wine instead. I told myself it was my choice and I knew it was a bad one at the time. And did it anyway.

I’ve been denying that I’ve been persuading myself that I can do the same thing today as I did yesterday, with different results.

I see now that in fact, that’s precisely what I do every time I open a bottle and say to myself, this time I’ll have just one. This time I’m in control.

In fact, I’m seeing that while I can certainly be outta control, being in control is not the answer. Driving my own bus is not the answer, really. The answer is just what AA and so many others say it is: surrender.

Hitting the Pause Button

After the party. It’s 2:30 a.m. Had one glass of wine at the party, drank water & tea while playing guitar & singing till 1:30. Had a wonderful time.

And … drum roll, please …

No afterparty!

While driving to my friends’ place, the thought struck me that alcohol is really no different from potato chips. I can’t have just one little bowl of chips. Once I open the bag it takes every ounce of willpower not to scarf the whole thing down. So what do I do about chips? Well, mostly I don’t keep them around. When somebody else buys them, I try to ignore them. Stash them somewhere out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Every once in a while, as a treat or when I consciously decide, okay, I’m in the mood for some comfort food, I’ll buy a bag. Maybe I’ll scarf the whole thing down, maybe I won’t, but if I do, it’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean I’ll go out and buy another bag tomorrow.

So I said to myself, so why can’t I do the same thing with alcohol? I really don’t think the physical part of the two addictions is all that different. I’m usually pretty successful at controlling my food urges, so why should alcohol any different? In a way, food urges are harder, because you have to eat, and you have to keep food around. It’s a matter of what kind of food and how much. With alcohol, you don’t have to keep it around.

So I made a plan that when I got home I wouldn’t have an afterparty. I decided I wouldn’t turn on the TV (one of my big triggers). Instead, I’d just read a bit and then go to bed. While driving home I got in touch with how my body was feeling: so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I thought I’d have a nice cuppa tea instead of that vodka in the freezer. But when I got home I decided I didn’t even want that, so I just poured myself a glass of milk and came upstairs to get ready for bed. I turned on the computer on the way because I remembered an email I was going to send earlier in the day but I’ve done that & now I’ve written this & I’m off to bed.

HA! Success!

Finding the Pause Button

The past few days have been a real struggle. As I get closer to ending this toxic relationship with alcohol, I find myself mindlessly drinking more, not less. Had a great counselling session the other day, which has left me with lots to think about and with tools to stop it, just stop it. I know I have to have a plan in place for the evil time of day when the urge hits and the cravings seem overwhelming … but can’t/won’t bring myself to do it. Not yet, not now.

Going out to a party tonight, however, and expect I’ll be driving, so that means I won’t be drinking at all. The danger zone will be when I get home. I’ll want to have an after-party. How do I hit the pause button before I just mindlessly take that drink late at night?

Okay, I filled out this chart my counsellor gave me, with costs & benefits of changing and not changing my behaviour. Bottom line is that objectively, the costs of drinking to excess far outweigh the benefits. Bottom line is that the cost is, ultimately, death. Plain and simple. I know this. I knew it before I filled out the chart.

The trick is I need to actually care. Yes, drinking increasingly copious quantities of alcohol will ultimately lead to death. And most likely a rather nasty one. But so what? Ya gotta die of something, right? And at this point, while I’m not suicidal, what I am is just plain tired of the effort to stay alive every day.

On the other hand, maybe I’m just tired of living like this. Sick & tired of feeling groggy and foggy and guilty and crappy every morning. Sick & tired of feeling so unhealthy. Sick & tired of being out of control. Just sick & tired.

Huh.

Constant Craving …

But I don’t know what I’m actually craving. Yes, it’s wine, but what is it really?

Day 4 – The Insatiable Maw

This gallery contains 2 photos.

Started drinking while making dinner. I thought I was being unusually clever when I measured out 10 oz. into a carafe — 2 glasses of wine, I thought, that could in theory be enough for tonight. I knew deep down … Continue reading →

Day 2 1/2

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired — doesn’t begin to capture the range of emotion. Anxious, lackadaisical bored anxious anxious frustrated elated … only a starting point.

Happy Anxious Lost Thirsty