So I finally broke, caved, gave in. Not to the “what the hell” part of me, as I’d feared, but to the “I can’t stand it any more, if I don’t have a drink I am going to lose my mind trying so hard to resist it all the time”. I had the usual ceremonial sip of wine at Shabbat dinner at my next-door neighbours’ place. At the end of the evening they offered me the half-bottle of wine left over from the meal … and I wavered, then accepted … and had 2 glasses when I got home, while watching TV, with some cheese & strawberries … and didn’t finish the bottle … and I’m still here today.
Two glasses was more than enough. And I’m not sure I liked it that much, not the flavour and not the effect — a bit burning in my tummy (and it was just white wine, not scotch or something stronger). The first glass was okay, I guess, not great, but okay, but the second actually started to give me a bit of a headache. I still have a high tolerance, it seems, since I didn’t feel at all different, slowed down, buzzed, or anything like “drunk”. But it turns out my cover story — “alcohol really doesn’t agree with me and I do much better without it” — is 100% true. Having been away from alcohol altogether for 2 months has gotten me to see how that is so. I’ve gotten in touch with the fact that I really don’t enjoy it that much.
And here’s the miracle: The first sip I just knocked back as if it were water or juice, just like I used to. But with the second sip, I slowed right down. Put the glass down between sips. Drank it mindfully, as in fully aware of what I was doing, tasting, savoring, observing whether I was really truly enjoying it, rather than just mindlessly knocking back one glass after another and telling myself “just one more little bit won’t hurt”. When I poured the second glass, I actually thought about finishing the bottle but didn’t. I actually left a few ounces in the bottle, where in the past I would have said, what the hell, and poured a drink bigger than I wanted. Again, mindfully choosing rather than going on autopilot.
And now, it feels like I’ve just taken the emotional charge out of it. I struggled so hard against craving and desire because I was so afraid of what would happen if had Just One Little Drink. Would I lose control and go right back to square one?
Well, as it turns out, no. (At least, not right away, not today, and godwilling, not tomorrow or the next day or the day after that.) And now I’m feeling, well, thank goodness that’s out of the way. I can stop wondering and worrying about what will happen if I ever do have a drink again.
I did it, I went ahead and had two glasses of wine, and I haven’t turned on myself, it hasn’t taken control of me, I didn’t really like it all that much, and I don’t plan on having any more today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. I’m not ready to say “never” but neither am I ready to start compromising, negotiating, planning when I’m going to allow myself to have a glass of wine. I haven’t fallen off the wagon. I’m not taking the attitude that I can handle it so I’ll just let myself have a glass of wine when I’m out for a meal, or once a week, or some other version of controlled drinking. NO. That way lies perdition, and I haven’t forgotten that. I know I can’t handle it if I give myself permission to have a glass of wine when I’m out for a meal. I know that just leads to more, and then more, and moremoremore, until next thing I know I really will be back at square one.
This is an aberration. That’s all I’m letting it become. I’m not letting it become “I’ve ruined the diet now so I may as well give up and stock up on chocolate cake”. I’m not going to resign myself to a life of drunken stupor and an ugly death. I won’t let that be my story. I can choose what story I let this become.
So I choose not to let it become a story of failure. I choose to simply re-commit to not drinking. I choose to tell a story about how life goes on. How last night’s after-party wasn’t much of a party all. About how two glasses of wine was Enough. More Than Enough. And how today it’s back to Plan A, back to my new normal, back to tea and water and juices. Until further notice. Possibly forever.
Forever doesn’t sound so scary anymore.
Driving my own bus 
It’s really late in the Netherlands, and to make a long story short, I have cried more in the last 10 minutes than over the past decade (and that’s a lot). Reading post #1, which I resonated to as if I were…just you, just exactly you….and I knew where you were going. And then: Post 2. and whammo! you did it. Your formula — and what else to call it? — is exactly exactly right. That’s the way to beat it. But it’s not only the exact formula that thrills me (not to mention knowing that you’re okay, which strikes me at some other level), but it’s the way you look it in the eye long enough and hard enough to dare to see it. You stared it down. You got it. An aberration, that’s just what is was. I was going to say “that’s ALL it was”, but that would be dishonest. That;s WHAT it was. It was powerful but also momentary.
Anyway, this was supposed to be a line or two long, saying I’d check in tomorrow. But I’m really there with you right now. Tonight.
Thank you. Thank you. You rock. Thank you so much for the unconditional support. I know what you mean about post #1 — it felt like a train wreck waiting to happen as I was writing it. I’m also touched that you were so moved, and that you wrote about that so frankly. And yes, I stared it down. I don’t have a whole lot of choices — pretending it wasn’t there for so many years didn’t work! But I’ve now gotten through 2 more days with no further relapse. I’d be lying if I said there was no desire, but it’s not that huge big struggle. I seem to be back to the new normal again, thinking about it every day, but not acting on it nor really wanting to.
I really was moved. I could feel the pit in my stomach drop to the floor as you neared the precipice in post #1, and I was so relieved at how you handled it in post #2. It’s not only touching and inspiring, but it’s also very informative. I think you really have articulated a formula for how to move from “relapse” back to life as you want to live it….in one fell swoop. That’s a good thing to communicate to others and also to myself when/if need be. In fact, I think I already knew it, have discovered it myself many times, but maybe I forgot just how it works.
So glad to hear that the last two days have been okay. As we know, okay may not be fabulous but it sure beats the alternatives.
I am choosing this: OKAY IS FABULOUS! Just got a tweet from an inspirational tweeter that says: Every moment is a gift from Life just for you. I’m choosing to accept the gift, with appreciation. One moment at a time.
I wrote such a long response about the formula you mention that I’ve just turned it into a separate post instead of a comment (“Recovering from a “relapse” – a formula”).
Namaste.
Hi:
This is a less scary post than the one dated the 13th!
So you took a risk in order to discover some new, better and complete knowledge ( a kind of information). This seems to have turned out well so here are some reflections.
Wine is actually grape juice which is being decomposed by yeast and other micro organisms and beer is similar other than you boil the grains in water to convert starches to sugars and this is decomposed to alcohols.
In the past we know that people often ate decomposing food due to lack of effective storage and
this was likely the first use for spices, that is to find a more pleasant way to mask the off taste of decaying fruits, juices and other foods. Naturally the use of spices has moved on to further development as an enhancer of naturally good, fresh tastes.
My point is that if grape juice were able to decompose without producing alcohol we would spit it out upon tasting it. I am suggesting here that having cleared your palate you are able to experience the wine in its true nastiness with such effects as burning due to acids, etc.
As a child we note that many adult foods are well out of the pleasant range and that these tastes must be acquired more or less against one’s inclinations for social reasons. Of course even if there were no alcohol in wine or beer the taste could be doctored such as by adding additional sugar and so forth so I mean a natural fermentation product without sweetening.
If people were offerred a chance without social pressure perhaps they would not drink any of it. It might be pretty close to vinegar.
Perhaps the aversive aspects of the fluid that contained the alcohol prevented the alcohol from getting a grip. Later, with continued drinking against the inclination to expel we become dependent on the alcohol effect and derail the aversive response developing a conditioned taste response that is tuned to the anticipated effects of the alcohol not the “taste” of the decayed fruit juice it is diluted into. Alcohol is actually quite a stout poison undiluted causing massive inflammation @ 100% purity.
This is making me wonder if all regular users of alcohol are not all addicts to some degree in the sense that they all override an naturally aversive reflex. Milk can be fermented too and you can get drunk on it but I would hesitate to witness the response were we able to lure a local beerhead into chugging a pint of sour milk.
I wonder if “you know who” can accurately recall what his taste perception was when he knocked off that hidden bottle of cough syrup. Most people do not like ****tussin as a beverage unless they are hooked on it.
So here is an idea that I just got from you post. I wonder if the aversive effects of wine could be enhanced for those in danger of relapsing. This would not work for a street drinker deeply in the grips of addiction as they can drink anything and suppress the gag reflex. I have seen my pal, Chuck, drink aftershave in a pinch and hold it down no problem. It might just work for a person considering a return to drinking. Think about watching young people choking down their first alcoholic drinks struggling with a will to get drunk while their every inclination is to wretch. Think of experienced drinkers still continuing to do the same thing, struggling to keep it down.
So, if you were overly tempted to try this again as you were on the 13th perhaps you could administer some really obnoxious “wine” perhaps containing a bit of vinegar or perhaps an emetic such that you could , in a rational state of mind, design a stronger signal. If you can eliminate the desire for wine then no “will power” is required to avoid it.
On their own these are noxious fluids after all and without alcohol in them they would be unsellable so perhaps this is an advantage that can be amplified.
With any risk it is easy to note that the worst has been missed, apparently, but one can have no idea how close the bullet may have passed, what was the margin of safety so you might consider this if a retest seems in order.
Interesting strategy! Thanks so much Mike, I really appreciate the support. Yes, eliminating the desire would sure be a neat trick. Alas, I never went through that aversion stage. But there are certain things I actually won’t touch and others that don’t interest me, so maybe that’s a good starting place for a concoction disgusting enough …?
Anyhoo, I do know what you mean about the guys who will drink anything (and there but for the grace go I). When I lived in P.E.I., we used to find stashes of vanilla extract bottles whenever somebody did renovations on their barn (the women wouldn’t let the men drink in the house) (and the nearest liquor store was a good 10 miles away) (and they couldn’t be running to the bootlegger all the time, now, could they). When I lived there in the late 70s, the grocery store didn’t keep any vanilla extract on the shelves — you’d have to ask for it at the cash if you wanted it for baking. Wonder if they still do.
I’m not taking for granted that the worst has been missed or that the margin of safety was any wider than the head of a pin. Not taking anything for granted, not letting up. Just moving on.
Many thanks, deep gratitude.
Really love the “Tale of Vanilla” as vanilla is really influential in aromatherapy and has a lot of alcohol in it!
You can see that Dr. Who is focusing on the pivot point now and it certainly explains a lot about the relapse experience if the ego is simply biochemically too weak to resist continuous levels of strong desire.
The only way to load the balance is to take weight off the desire side. Earth, it appears, tolerates us in certain zones like the Rift Valley in truly ancient times but is pretty indifferent to us otherwise in terms of being accommodating. We can eke out lives in almost all climates by dint of effort but Earth was not built for us.
So there is no state of “natural happiness and contentment” except in rare and temporary circumstances.
We have learned that if we let yeast get into the sugar water the resulting beverage permits us to hack the human condition at will especially after industrial fermentation and distillation got into high gear.
This tips over the entire ramshackle construction- I am so grateful for Dr. Lewis instruction here :-)- It is kind of like living in a mental firetrap and then you discover fire.
Every time you light a candle to drive away the shadows you risk falling asleep and burning your place down.