Just a quick note today: I happened upon something that seems to have reduced cravings yesterday. I had a late-afternoon swim, and when I got back all I wanted was water — definitely NOT anything alcoholic. So I had water and an apple. No cravings, all evening. Trying it again today!
I do find, however, that just not having any booze in the house is the best. That totally dials the cravings wwwaaaaay back.
I’m picking up on one of the comment threads on my last post, where the suggestion is made that I’ve hit upon a “formula” to come back to life as I want it, that formula being staring down the monster while it’s in the room with you, and then moving on — seeing the “relapse” as an aberration, not an excuse to go nuts again.
The formula isn’t original with me. Every diet book in the world says the same thing: if you Continue reading
So I finally broke, caved, gave in. Not to the “what the hell” part of me, as I’d feared, but to the “I can’t stand it any more, if I don’t have a drink I am going to lose my mind trying so hard to resist it all the time”. I had the usual ceremonial sip of wine at Shabbat dinner at my next-door neighbours’ place. At the end of the evening they offered me the half-bottle of wine left over from the meal … and I wavered, then accepted … and had 2 glasses when I Continue reading
My sobriety hangs by a slender, slender thread today, as I hover on the knife-edge between desire and self-worth. Desire — desperate, overwhelming desire for alcohol. Self-worth — that which ultimately stops me in my tracks. The only thing stopping me now — the only thing that has been stopping me for the past week — is fear, no, terror, of what will happen if I give in to the craving for just one sip of wine. The script running in the Continue reading
And the line-up to pat me on the back too starts here.
I had a really super-challenging situation yesterday and did not give in to drinking, though there was lots of wine available and I was soooooooooo tempted. SOOOOOO tempted.
WOW.
We had company for dinner Friday night. Wine was involved, but I didn’t have any (except Continue reading
Mike’s comment about social drinking really got me thinking. I replied to his comment but I wanted to expand on it a bit.
First of all, I have to say right off the bat that I no longer really experience social pressure to drink. It’s been many years since I’ve gone out drinking specifically to go for drinks with friends. We generally go for a meal or a coffee, but not just for a drink. My social circle generally doesn’t drink or doesn’t drink much. One of the hazards of middle age (okay, most of us are “seniors” now) — most of us have gotten less enchanted with partying than we used to be.
So when I say I went out to a pub only 2 days after I quit, I mean we went to a pub for a meal. (It’s the kind of pub that also happens to serve good food.) I suggested we try Continue reading
The title of this post says it all. Sure, I’ve had ups and downs, but overall I’m much much much better than I’ve been in years. Yes, it’s a challenge — sometimes a big challenge — and I still think about alcohol every day — it’s kind of become my project right now — but I’m not drinking and it feels good.
But.
An interesting thing has started happening. I’m finding myself substituting one addiction for another — TV, food, and work, mostly. I hear myself telling myself the same stories as I did about alcohol.
Watching TV seems to feed anxiety, which feeds craving … craving for something, but I don’t know what. I used to think it was wine, which it was and wasn’t. Wine was what I gave it, but really, it never satisfied the urge, and I wouldn’t have identified it as an urge to get pissy-faced. What it felt like — still feels like — is a hole, something missing, something ineffable that NOTHING will really satisfy.
What is it about TV that brings this on? Could it be that I’m feeling drawn in by the story, but the characters are over there and I’m over here and I can’t touch them, it’s just me being drawn in? Is that what it is? A one-way street, unrequited love?
And is there a time when don’t crave anything? Well, this may seem trite, but I think it’s about connection. When I meditate and get in touch with centre, I don’t get cravings. When I’m in company I’m totally comfortable with I don’t get cravings. When I feel totally supported in community I don’t get cravings … hmmm. So it’s more complicated than I thought. So I need to dig deeper and love more.
Remembering how I used to wake up every morning with a sense of abject failure because I had let myself down — again — by drinking waaaaay more than I’d intended to — again — and couldn’t stop. After just 2 weeks, I’m waking up refreshed, clear and without recrimination, after a deep, sound sleep, including NOT waking up in a cold sweat at 4:00 a.m. with my heart pounding in my ears.
I think about alcohol every day. At first there were no urges, no cravings, no arguments Continue reading
I thought I’d be getting a complete break from my normal life & therefore a good time to stop drinking because I was supposed to be going away for the weekend for a music retreat. But I had to cancel the trip — turned back when we were halfway to Toronto — because of a bad knee. Now I’ve been laid up in bed for 2 days, so I got the complete change but in a very surreal way. Today is Day 3 of resting the knee. Hoping it will be well enough by tomorrow that I can drive again, but I have to admit being waited on hand & foot is actually rather pleasant. All the coffee I can drink and so forth, delivered to my night table, with a smile yet.
The good news is, no urges to drink. Except … Continue reading
So it’s tomorrow now, only mid-day, and though I’ve been obsessing about alcohol and the fact that I’m not drinking and how is that going to work in my life, I’m enjoying the clarity.
Continue reading
Driving my own bus 